Would You Like Your $25 Million in Cash or a Cheque?

Julia Gasper. 1 July 2007

Most people by now will have heard that Sir Richard Branson, in partnership with the American politician Al Gore, has announced that he is offering a prize of $25 million US for anybody who can come up with a really effective way of reducing the amount of carbon dioxide in the earth’s atmosphere and thus stopping global warming.

After the freezing torrential rain of the present Bank Holiday weekend, some of us might feel that global warming is a less convincing hazard than it was in the hot days of last April. But assuming that the boffins are correct, is there really going to be a solution and will the lure of the Branson millions make anybody come up with a brainwave?

Actually, I’ve done it. I think I may have the answer and I am going to claim the $25 million. I hope that Sir Richard Branson is reading this article. My solution is an extraordinary, new, highly technologically-sophisticated invention called the Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminator. While cars, factories, fridges, heating systems and all living animals use up oxygen and give off carbon dioxide, these Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminators - or T.R.E.E. for short - have the amazing property of absorbing carbon dioxide and giving off oxygen. They do this constantly day after day, week and after week, and need only a steady supply of water and a small patch of the earth’s geological crust – the rhizosphere – to go on functioning, sometimes for hundreds of years. Having the astonishing property of drawing their own water from deep below the surface by means of Radiating Organically - Operational Tentacles (R.O.O.T.s), they are virtually free to run. There is no annual bill for your T.R.E.E. So Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminators can actively work to restore the imbalance in the atmosphere we humans have been producing, and halt the Greenhouse Effect.

Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminators are completely silent and give off no toxic fumes. Unless you climb to the top of one and jump off, they are perfectly safe. They can be installed in cities, parks, gardens, streets, or even children’s playgrounds without any risk or hazard. They can survive along coastlines, in valleys and on high hills. They come in all shapes and sizes, from six feet to a hundred feet tall, and there is no reason why you should not have a small one on your patio or balcony just to show that you are ecologically aware and keeping up with all the latest state-of-the-art technology. It is the breadth of the leaves, rather than the height of the T.R.E.E. that makes it effective.

Since some degree of global warming is now inevitable, however fast we act to prevent it, it is very fortunate that one of the admirable properties of a T.R.E.E. is to provide shade for people sitting underneath it.

Britain could lead the world in having a major national campaign to install large numbers of Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminators in all the remaining open spaces in the country. We could insist that new developments of shops, offices, houses or flats are accompanied by the installation of a maximum number of Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminators, so as to offset the carbon emissions of the occupants and their lifestyle. Why, for instance, should the local council’s planning department not encourage people to put a Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminator in their front garden instead of just paving it over or covering it with gravel? We could offer a reduction of the council tax to households who do, or to put it another way, an increase for those who refuse.

Even if you need to park in your front garden, you can still install a Transmutational Rhizospherical Emission Eliminator because once its Organically-Operational Tentacles are under the ground, it does not object to people or even quite heavy vehicles passing over the surface, and it goes on functioning just the same as ever. What’s more, there are now models of T.R.E.E. coming onto the market that not only give off a steady supply of oxygen and absorb carbon dioxide, but also – and this is almost incredible – produce edible, convenient, fast food.

Some of them produce fruit, and others nuts, almost as good as the real kind you can buy from a supermarket. I myself have recently seen a T.R.E.E. that produces apples and I am assured that other models producing pears, cherries, peaches and plums will soon be available at a very reasonable price. Since at the moment we fly in so many of these fruit from Spain, Brazil or even Australia, producing them here in Britain would result in a miraculous reduction of air-miles, and hence of CO2 emissions.

So this is my message to Sir Richard Branson and his panel of judges: look no further. The solution is here. Surround your house with a dense clump of T.R.E.E.s. Cover your estate with them. Set a green example to the masses.

May I claim my $25 million now, please?